Our Emotions, Are Our Problems
On tough days we might say my job is over whelming, or my players are infuriating me.
If only we can understand that this is impossible. Work can't overwhelm you, your players can't frustrate you. These are external objects and they have no access to your mind. Those emotions you feel, as real as they are - they come from the inside, not from the outside.
"What we assume, what we willingly generate - that's on us. We can't blame other people for feeling stressed or frustrating us, any more than we can blame them for our jealousy. The cause is within us, they are just the target." - Ryan Holiday, The Daily Stoic Podcast
You Are Complicit
"If someone succeeds in provoking you, realise that your mind is complicit in the provocation." - Epictetus
I have just begun watching the Making Their Mark series on Amazon Prime, about the story of the AFL season in 2020. There have been a few decent sized sprays by the coaches, and it seems to be quite the theme in footy.
A spray is a very short lived emotional response by a coach, that often causes more issues than solves problems.
Should there be high standards? Yes.
Should there be accountability? Yes.
Should the coach deliver a long winded message full of swearing and nothing constructive, when the players are already in a bad state?
My question is - who is that for? Is that for the Head Coach to flex his/her own lack of emotional regulation and heel their bruised ego, or actually to bring value to the players?
The medium is the message, but in a spray all we usually hear the swear words and nothing else. Backs go up, we get defensive. As we should.
My sprays when I look back (regretfully) are from my own ego, and have only provided small short term solutions or created bigger longer term problems.
Focus On You
So what can you control? You.
I'm not saying don't get upset, offended or frustrated. Do not stuff them down and pretend they don't exist.
But we can't blame other people, because it's not their fault.
What are you going to do to understand it? What part of you is being triggered?
How can you fix it?
People can't make you angry, people can't make you frustrated.
It is on you.